Tuesday, February 10, 2009

When yoga pants go bad

Dear Dad: I love you. Do not read this post. 'kay, thanks.

Oooh, I got new workout clothes! For the first time since before I was pregnant with Caleb. This is exciting in my sad little world.

So exciting that last night I carefully laid out my new workout clothes before bed. So exciting that this morning I popped right out of bed in anticipation of putting on the new workout clothes.

So exciting that I checked myself out in the mirror before I left. And from the front, I looked pretty good. From the side, I noticed my trunk looked a bit, um, lumpy. From the back, it was tragic.

I had four butt cheeks. Like this:

Turns out yoga pants are entirely incompatible with my undies of choice:

Plain ol' hiphugger bikinis. Totally comfy, no creeping, minimal panty lines. Perfect under my jeans (which are not mom jeans, I swear). But it turns out yoga pants do not camouflage how the elastic in the undies dissects my aging, post-three-babies derriere in half perfectly. Horizontally. Like my ass has an equator or something.

Four butt cheeks on one person is not good.

This led to an emergency phone call to my sister. What should I do?!

Try a thong! she said.

Oh, okay. Seriously, I'm not even going to give you much of a visual on this one. Remember: three babies. If you've birthed babies, you know why I don't wear a thong. If you haven't had them, you don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm not at all opposed to some sexy lingerie. But, um, these would kill me. I would die from wearing ill-advised undies to the gym. Not the way I want to go out.
So after I vetoed that, she suggested a boy short. Like this:

This makes me laugh out loud. I don't know if I've ever, in my life, worn anything less flattering than boy short undies. These are not only incompatible with yoga pants, they are incompatible with the human body. Nobody looks like this photo. I could put them on in a pitch-black closet with no mirror in sight and still know that I look like a complete jack-ass. Nope.
She was out of suggestions. So I explained my quandry to my ever-stylish husband, and asked: what kind of undies should I wear under my pretty new yoga pants?
He evidently agreed that the panty lines were problematic, and helpfully suggested Spanx. (I do not want to know why my husband knows what Spanx are.) Yes, he really said that. So I was supposed to wear these under my low-rise yoga pants:

They come up to your navel, people. And then all the jiggly parts just squeeze out over and under the Spanx.
So, in the end, I just recognized that I have no pride. I arranged the hiphuggers and the rear end as carefully as possible and went to the gym.
And worked out really, really hard.
Having four butt cheeks is kind of motivating like that.
Update (because this post definitely deserves an update): my brilliant and bored sister has decided that yoga pants need built-in undies, like running shorts have. No creep, no show. So, Makers of Yoga Pants: get on it.


  1. Seriously you have a very interesting life! Such dilemmas! I laughed out loud reading this - thanks!

  2. the obvious answer is a bright pink paint marker to draw lines on the 'four butt cheeks' so that anyone looking at them will wonder why you have pink lines drawn on your butt but won't be able to see the multiple butt cheeks...it's all about optical illusion...camouflage...?

  3. Try Sassybax? They have a shaper that lifts the bottom and doesn't go so far up. More comfortable than spanx as well.

  4. Sounds like you have a solve for the bottom half. I found a solve for the top half! (Okay, maybe Redbook found the solve for the top half but I love it regardless) ...Slimpressions! Have you seen these? They slim and sculpt my jelly belly, back fat and arm flab! (herroom.com has free shipping on them btw.)

  5. Thanks...this post made me laugh out loud. We've all been there. I think those yoga pant designers never actually have REAL BUTT people try these things on...cruel jerks, they are! Next time: GO COMMANDO!

  6. You just have not found the right yoga pants! Google 'lululemon' and they have the best pants. I have never seen them look poorly on women.


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