Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Ten Ways I Know I Am Not A Toddler

I need some help.

I realized today that I live like a toddler. Seriously, my daily routine is almost indistinguishable from that of my kids. I eat on their schedules, I listen to their damn music (I still love you, Dan Zanes, but I think we need some time apart), I spend a good portion of every day picking up (or tripping over or swearing at) brightly colored plastic toys. If it weren't for the Diet Coke and random, lame attempts at housekeeping, I'd swear I was, like, two years old.

It’s time to step back and inventory my life, to reassure myself that I am indeed an adult. Time for a list.

How I Know That I Am Not A Toddler, by Me

  1. I drink my beer from the bottle, not from a sippy cup. And I don't cut it with whole milk.
  2. Graham crackers and/or vanilla wafers are not the high point of my day (unless it's been a really crappy day).
  3. I understand that Elmo is make-believe.
  4. When I drool it's because I'm tired as hell, not because I'm teething.
  5. I try to remember to refer to my husband as "Jeff" and not as "Daddy," but sometimes I slip and this troubles me.
  6. When life throws me a curveball and naptime is delayed by 20 minutes, I can adapt without having a complete meltdown. Unless it's been a really crappy day.
  7. Nobody has ever once told me that my fat dimpled thighs are “cute.”
  8. Diapers. Enough said.
  9. I am smarter than a dog. (But toddlers are cuter.)
  10. Generally speaking, gravity does not kick my ass several times a day.


I'm good.


  1. Good list. gotta agree with #5. I NEVER want to call David, "dad"! How can you go to bed with someone that you call "dad" throughout the day?

  2. Here's another one: you don't need to cuddle with your mom when you are tired/sad/etc. At least, I don't think you do...


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